Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Friday, July 12, 2013

off the map

i knew a place once; it was wondrous, magical for me, which was most likely enhanced by my youth, but i think if i still knew it today it'd hold the same intrigue.

it was a little Pocono cabin in a concealed corner of the planet more often than not run over with snow, for we only ever frequented it in the winter; it belonged to my grandfather who had in fact built it up himself, rock to wall, as a haven for family and friends of family and their children and sometimes pets. 

no one really could tell what town it was in, but i'm pretty sure it was somewhere between White Haven and Blakeslee, Carbon County, Kidder Township or something. the exact blip on the map was irrelevant; people went there to escape, not to be found.

the street was private, a small development but not like the overdone ones in the Philadelphia suburbs. it was nearly hidden from view just off the exit, past the Ramada and that little restaurant that kept changing every year to something new and odd-sounding like The Fern, as if that would make me want to eat there. down the street from Jack Frost and Big Boulder, the two biggest ski resorts around. adjacent the dam that i so loved to explore but couldn't ever get to because the roads were flooded, as the signs had warned they would be.

so many years i have to remember there.

there was the time when Howard and Kat's dog jumped on my brother when we were kids in the middle of the night and he screamed bloody murder out of fright. then the next day he and i were poking around the bedroom and we found a trapdoor to the basement beneath the floorboards, but it was too dark and cold to bother exploring. we still reveled in the fact that we'd found it, our own paradise lost.

sometimes i got to sleep in the bigger guest room when Howard and Kat weren't up and i felt like a rightful queen with the king-sized bed and the private bathroom with two chambers and the full closets and nightstands with random items in their drawers. i loved that i could stand in the kitchen and the living room at the same time and that we could watch television while we ate, a luxury we never had at home. the fireplace was always roaring and my father delighted in stoking it every half hour or so, a nervous habit.

Mom never came to Big Boulder with us; she wasn't much of an outdoor person. she'd catch up on her reading and Dad would take Tom and i to ski or snow tube, whichever we preferred (and i hated skiing). one time when my cousins were up for the weekend with us we all went tubing (little effort for the fun). Joe went off-course and slammed into a tree but he was fine and it led to uproarious laughter. my dad and his brother and nephews wanted to make it over the big snowbank at the bottom. it was a frigid night and everything was icing over -- just the momentum they needed. they hopped in double-rider tubes and got running starts and raced in adjacent lanes on the way down. and over the top they did go as onlookers stared in awe at a feat not many had accomplished.

i remember watching the Daytona 500 on or around Dad's birthday the year Dale Earnhardt crashed into the wall; we all thought he'd be OK, that it hadn't looked life-threatening on screen. he died, though. i vowed to support his son from then on although i didn't follow NASCAR that closely to begin with.

the stone driveway at the cabin, when it wasn't ridden with knee-deep snow, was littered with daddy-long-legs and garter snakes and behind the house were woods with trails as far as the eye could see and i never knew where any of them went.

the thing about living on a private street in the mountains is that when it snows there are natural sledding hills all around you. i was always a bit of a wimp when it came time to do it but the sleds were unsturdy and i didn't know how to steer them and i was afraid of crashing into frozen snowbanks and breaking my arm or worse. but it was good bonding time with my brother.

i always liked when it wasn't that snowy and i could walk down to the private lake -- the one reserved for residents on the private street -- and walk the trail around it where wild blueberries grew; my mother and i would pick them and put them in pancakes the next morning.

there was so much i adored about that little cabin off the map in Pennsylvania and there's so much i miss about it now. before he died my grandfather sold it to a stranger. with it went the magic of my old haven that i would never have again. my heart aches to know that someone else -- and a slew of renters to follow -- is now enjoying my grandfather's handmade refuge and all the wonder it contains.

they will never be able to appreciate it like i have.

02.2010

Thursday, July 4, 2013

hostage heart

a recluse.
i believe that is the word
you more often than not
choose for me, perhaps
because you don't see my emotion
until you call me one.

a recluse, indeed.
ought it offend
i'd throw it back but
the truth to it is that i do not
share nearly enough of myself with you;
green and gambling on the passing of trains,
that's what you make of
my folly
through a world that will not forgive
should i not dance in its melée.

i have no use for what's written:
i want to break the lines
and make the loudest of waves. and also
i want to give the explosion of love inside
of me
away.

there is a reason you cannot see
my head and my heart: there is
good reason why no one can see.

they are flawed and brimming!
they are mad and forlorn!
they are in sync and evergreen!
it is too much for strangers to handle;
you can't handle them, dear brother.

you must be considerate of
a heart held hostage
and a brain on overdose.

surely your faith must extend beyond
the paper doll girl
to what she is
when she has form
and breath.

you must let the recluse be
a recluse
around you; she doesn't
know you're knocking,
in pursuit of her hostage heart...!

06.2011

Sunday, March 17, 2013

live again (Connor's song)

carried on high, the news
of you was a welcome circumstance,
not expected but certainly
not to be denied, for it had been
only years since we'd had anything worth being
remotely elated over.

though you were to be the first of your kind, you
had potential to be the greatest,
or at least unique;
maybe you'd bring some sort of
a new outlook on this life,
something worth hanging around for.

but even the most hyped expectations would
undermine the value you bestowed, and
right on time;
mostly we were just grateful you
arrived and renewed a long-lost zest for life that must have
needed your charms to live again.

01.2010

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

another shore

how freely we think we are immortals,
our word most certainly each the last.
today we threw out love
and instead rode our high horses ably
into the jester's parade.

i'd like not to be thought of like that;
i held my wary tongue, wavering.

i know the limits of this, and i've received
every bit of it on another shore:
the piercing of a well-timed heart,
the assassination of a beat-bitten soul.
so i need a sort of puerile grace now,
something delicate to counteract the
greed of knowing what's best for everyone
(you only ever know what's best for you
and that's a fortunate science).

i fold in threes, triangle faces and fingers
keeping me from lashing out.
this isn't my desire, to mudsling, to steal the throne.
i cried yesterday so i'm not a martyr now.

11.2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

[poetry soon.]

forgive me, friends.

life's caught up to me recently, but there have been triumphs mixed in with the struggles, so it's all going to be OK. work is taking its toll but i am grateful to have a job. i'm working on a community production of a musical, which demands much of my nightly time but brings me joy, for theatre is a beautiful, under-appreciated art. and my brother got married this weekend, so my heart is still overflowing with love and happiness from that.

i will return to you, i promise. in the meantime, keep writing, and i hope you'll stick with me, too.

peace and love,
Dana xo

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

muddy

i don't belong here and i am well-aware
of that but still you force it
down a swollen throat like
knives i can't hope to abate,
fighting the death of me. i don't want your pity
but i do want a chance in your muddy eyes
to be more than obligatory waste.

07.2011

Friday, September 7, 2012

a man like him

i feel sorry for all the girls and also the boys
who grew up without a good father
because i have the absolute best one
and i am so sorry to them for that
i am sorry that my dad has been fantastic
i am sorry that he makes sure there is money in my pockets
when i don't have any
i am sorry that he came to my softball games
and that i always played poorly because i knew he was watching
i am so sorry that my father cried when i left him at the airport
to go live in France
and i am sorry that it made me not want to go
i am sorry i left you there daddy
i am very sorry that my dad never went to college
but he has worked harder than anyone i know, and better
i am so sorry that he paid for the majority of my college education
and i am also sorry that my father has been there
at my graduations and birthdays and triumphs and failures
i am not sorry that he has been spectacular to me
i am sorry though that you do not know him,
i am sorry if your fathers were not like mine
i am sure you deserve a man like him
in your lives
at some point

04.18.2012

Monday, July 16, 2012

Daddy finds difficulty in this

Daddy sent his leftover tears to Wisconsin
for you to stumble upon
when you arrive,
among other things.
he just wants to be remembered,
he just wants you to remember.

he has nothing left to give you.

Daddy can't pull off
being the tough guy anymore;
he wore that out
when he was shaping you to enter the world.
he doesn't know how to hold back
from exposure,
and his soul is terrified
of that helpless feeling that comes
when someone is suddenly, completely
bare.

he doesn't know
he'll be forgiven;
he can't find a star to pray on:
he doesn't want to let you go.

Daddy finds difficulty in this
but he'll never let you know
until you're opposite those watery baby blues
watching them shrink into tears
he'll send along ahead for you.

[my father is one of the most compassionate men i've ever known, and because of that he so elegantly inspired a series in my writing. i love writing about him. x]

05.2010

Sunday, June 24, 2012

let her go

if she's never allowed to stumble
into the muck's tempting tendrils,
desperate to drag her out screaming
and make her wish she could go home,
she'll never start to miss
the comforts of what she knows.

if she can't lose her bearings
in the overdrawn map she's scribed for herself,
becoming absorbed in ornamental details
that turn out not to be so,
she'll never accept the role of designer
when life hands her a pen.

if she doesn't betray the fickle cord
binding her to what she's been told,
drawing her back in to the rigid frame of still life,
she'll never invent ideas, create surprises,
fool the conformists who've trodden paths
worn thin with footprints
everyone's stepped in.

if you refuse to let her go,
she won't ever make her mark
on streets paved in cement
that's already drying
without her.

04.2010

Thursday, June 21, 2012

picture imperfect

the bathroom floor was ready to receive me
the other night
when it occurred to me at last
that you're really going.

for months that has been your plan
but i'd not considered
everything you'd be leaving behind,
me you'd be leaving behind.

all of a sudden
those portraits of us, you know the
ones positioned neatly below the stairs
were screaming at me
to notice them,
and as i shouted back that i always had
they whispered, 'not like this, you haven't.'
and that was when
magnetically
i was drawn
to both
and stood
and considered them
at once.

at left,
me at seven, you at four
in my likeness
or rather, that of our father:
squinty-eyed from smiling,
a joyful thing.
inside of your chubby cheeks
was where you stored your cuteness,
and i in my bow and velvet
and you in your bow and suit
were a happy sight.

at right,
me at sixteen, you at lucky thirteen
and we're different
and we're the same.
our features have all evolved
but at closer look,
i in red and bangs,
you in black and shaved head,
we have not grown out of
that age of innocence
where we were too young for labels,
too young to make decisions,
too young to be separated.

my own cheeks possessed no cuteness the other night,
only two distinct trails of tears
that i hadn't felt coming on --
they were just there
and flowing
and flowing.
i left our pretty portraits
to never betray the memories they induced
and went instead
to beckoning bathroom
that had always been comfort
to sleepless nights,
to unabashed sickness,
to moments like this
when the rug had been pulled viciously from under me
but instead of going off like a fine magician's trick
everything came crashing down.

i could feel the portraits shredding
where our hands were interlinked,
split down the middle cruelly
and i wanted you there with me
so that you would link hands with me
in the flesh
and somehow maybe glue it all back together.

our picture could no longer be portrayed
as perfect.
and i tried to cease the fault lines
in both frames
but they
ripped
anyway.

05.2010

Monday, June 4, 2012

you're the glue, baby

i knew no one would hear him until he was screaming.

who loves you the most? everyone
puts their two cents in, vying
for love you already freely give away.
it's a rat race, unnecessary victor.

it doesn't have to be this way,
it doesn't have to be tug-of-war.

your heart's not big enough yet
for us to break it apart: and you're
angelic and clean, sobering.
i want you to still want to be here
in ten years' time. don't go, baby boy.

our emotions set us on fire,
stretching those seams for the ripping
but you're the glue, baby,
you're the glue.

05.2012