follow

my skeletal feet are still dappled with sand.

the beach wouldn't let me leave it behind

and oh, do i know that feeling,

even too familiar. don't leave me behind,

i'll follow.

it takes awhile for me to bloom,

a corporeal flower arriving late to springtime tea.

with sandy toes i'm knocking; i hope

you don't mind that i've lost my shoes.

08.2012

sometimes a bit further

when you refrain from wiping the tears away

they drip-drop, soft, down between each breast

and sometimes a bit further if you're lonely.

they'll dry on their own from the heat of the

ache. on chest and cheek

the pain might burst into ugly puddles if you let it

but you can't begin to heal if you won't

let yourself be broken, isn't that

what they always say?

all-right, all-right,

goes the beat-beat of the handsome heart --

he forgot to wear his tails

but you still pine for

him to hear you and maybe

catch those tears for once.

but soaked in salt and simple sickness

your breasts can only heal

and give you back the edge

your eyes have let go of:

be like the wind and know where you're going.

easier said, but those tears

at least will dry on your shirts

or in the naked air, eventual.

09.2012

accessory

i met him unexpectedly

someplace we both wanted to be.

he claimed to be a friend

of a friend

but turned out to be much more in the end.

his face could erase

all the empty space

in my head

and replace it all with humility instead.

i didn't like what he did to me,

or maybe i did;

it was too early to tell

and i was sometimes independent,

but my heart knew me well.

i found myself stumbling over him,

dangling from him,

and soon it became clear

i was into his ways,

and so went the days

as i took it all in stride

and for once, vowed not to hide.

he didn't require words

to dutifully inquire;

just needed a beat

and a place for hire,

a full-blown choir.

he struck my every chord

and i'd beg someone's holy lord

to keep him in my weary life,

by His will or by his own accord.

a long time ago

i cared for one so

but he turned out to be

naught more than shadow.

he haunted my nights

and it took an end-all plea

before i could break free.

this one knew the time

and without reason or rhyme

was nothing with which to compare

the desperations of despair,

for he knew me and although

i couldn't really say

i was his favorite show,

it wasn't hopeless as long ago.

he brought me to my knees

with the greatest of ease

and still i was unsure

if maybe i was tangled in something

more than my heart could handle

or just kindling a new candle

of adventurous aspiration.

could be my damnation

or my salvation.

come what may,

he was perfection

and his aura in its reflection

told me not to fret,

that he wouldn't sell his soul

for anything alive

or objectified.

he made a vow

and i didn't understand

but i know it now --

he won't drag me down,

make me cry, steal my crown.

he'll be

an honest accessory

and i shall then be

valiant exclusively.

08.2005

checkerboard friends

red and black, checkerboard friends.

here we go.

i'll be light and you'll be dark

like our souls

and the first move will be mine

because you always prefer to have the last word.

diagonal pawn

i am

calculating my next move

and then it's all mind games and ticking off turns.

back and forth

ping-pong

on the fence and on the move.

the shape of an L for

the nobleman that you are

but you can't fool me.

i'll take the straight line to the end

to get a piece of myself back.

you'll return it because you have to.

those are the rules.

the king seems to have all the power

but his moves are limited,

and therein lies your mistake.

it's truly the queen,

i,

who has all the power,

command of the board now.

watch me as i defeat you

thought by thought

word for word

piece by piece,

swimming

fluidly through the madness

across numbers and squares

and the awesome force of your hand

can't do a thing

because the control paradigm has shifted;

i had to crouch to your level and

play this despicable game with you,

a game you've gotten good at over the years

but haven't quite perfected.

off you go to a comfortable corner

where hiding has become a futile excuse

to all you are,

but laid out here in front of me

in plain view --

checkerboard friends,

checkerboard life --

i can see your thoughts

before you can voice them,

what otherwise might evolve into insult or injury.

and for the first time

the flaws in your thinking are apparent, too,

the flaws in the righteousness you claim,

the flaw in the plan

and now you'll offer a waltz for peace,

one-two-three,

one-two-three,

ample chance to trip me up

and then make your final kill.

but if you'd been anything close to sincere

you'd have seen

the trap i've been setting for you

from the get-go.

i'm here and you're over there,

hand outstretched for a dance

but in the midst of your inaugural bow the queen has triumphed.

ivory over ebony,

good over evil,

woman over monster.

a whispered farewell now

for you

and some sort of closure now for me

in the form of

checkmate.

here we go, here

we go.

02.2010

at nineteen

well, well
it's a fine time for rustling up feelings
of dogwood summers
i left behind for you
back when i was wide-eyed enough to do
such a thing. and
i left a lot behind for you.
but we're not untouchables.
i laugh that we were ever considered so
in such web-crossed minds as
ours at nineteen.
i didn't quite know what to make of you.

i chose my wave not knowing
it would turn me black and blue
and drain me of the rest of my color,
transfused into your veins
when you were finished with me
(so you could go on living
and i could become parasitic, pathetic).

how i tripped over you.
your play-thirsty lips were begging
to be slaked
and i did not want
to leave them parched
but i did
and immediately wished i hadn't
for i lost you then
right then.

ignorance is not any sort of bliss
when it comes to you and me;
i spent months as your shadow,
dumb and matching your moves
but always a minute behind. when
i let my voice mix with your broken harmony
i also found that i was jaded.
how does it feel, i wonder
to know that you're the one who jaded me.
i have known many versions of love
but yours was by far
the most brutal.

i want back, if anything
except time and some tears,
the faith in love i abandoned
to breathe to your
he-loves-me-nots.

06.2011

intentional

i wonder if you're all happy

now or if you're defending lives

you've gotten accustomed to, lives

you ended up with but never

actually chased down, lives

tethering you to the place where

you grew up, where we all grew up.

i wonder, as the flame still alight for you

in a corner of my heart finds a

bit of new air for rekindling --

i wonder if this is the life you had imagined.

i hope you're happy.

i hope that no one has called you names

or judged you for being a small-town boy

who had a child out of wedlock.

i hope your marriages are stronger

than your parents' ever were

and that you didn't do it

because it was the cool thing to do.

i hope we've all moved past that notion

of doing things to be cool.

i hope you aren't stared down in hallways

or tripped in stores accidentally-on-purpose.

i hope your shoes are always with-the-times

and your hair, not yet graying.

i hope you are making your own money

and realizing how hard it is to keep it for yourself.

i hope you smile at more things now

and that you've had to swallow your pride

once or twice. i hope that

for myself a lot, too.

i hope that you don't hesitate

to help someone when they ask

and that you help them even

when they are too afraid to ask.

i hope that all of your struggles,

everything you've lived through,

have enabled you to learn

about the kind of person you are

now.

i hope you think of the people you've hurt

with fondness, especially those

you didn't know you were hurting

and i hope you forgive the people

who have ever made you leave the table

to go cry in the bathroom.

i hope you forgive the people

who offered empty apologies

just to make themselves feel better.

i hope you never get tired of hearing or saying

i'm sorry.

i hope we are contributing members of society now

and that we think seriously about the future

even if we aren't sure

or don't want to know

where it will take us.

i hope the diamonds on your fingers sparkle

as brightly as your eyes do

and that you remember how good it feels

to be complimented sincerely

by somebody you don't know.

i hope you've found something lonely

in this world to believe in.

most of all, i hope that we don't forget.

whatever it is that you still hold on to

from then until now, i hope

it stays with you, welding itself

into the workings of your psyche.

i mostly hope that you are

better, stronger, kinder and humbler.

i mostly hope that we have all

changed from imbeciles into adults,

into human beings who matter to somebody.

that is all that i hope

for all of you, whom i'd nearly,

intentionally,

left behind

08.2011

wait around now

i'm leaving again -- why

do i always feel like i am saying

unnecessary goodbyes?

life should be full of hellos and see you laters, i

can't take finality like i can't take

not remembering where i set my hat down at age twenty.

well the way i see it

au revoir means "until i see you again" anyway

so let's leave it at that

pretending i don't need to feel like

a lovelorn desperado

shouting across fences i got tired of sitting on.

i never actually wait around now

long enough

to hear anyone answer.

04.19.2012