fooling even me

i can't go home
and nothing fits.
the world surrounding me now
forces me to listen,
to share,
to conform,
and i'm not ready.
i long for a smile
other than my own,
one that will radiate love
and be genuine.
i try to be myself
and wind up fooling even me.
there is no reason to be unhappy --
but there is no reason to be happy.
i am not allowed to escape.
i am not allowed to sing.
tears go unanswered
as they hope for a lonely puddle
to contribute to.
unity is respect,
and respect is undefined,
like this portrait of myself
whose frame i've been trying to fill
for far too long.

11.2004