picture imperfect

the bathroom floor was ready to receive me

the other night

when it occurred to me at last

that you're really going.

for months that has been your plan

but i'd not considered

everything you'd be leaving behind,

me you'd be leaving behind.

all of a sudden

those portraits of us, you know the

ones positioned neatly below the stairs

were screaming at me

to notice them,

and as i shouted back that i always had

they whispered, 'not like this, you haven't.'

and that was when

magnetically

i was drawn

to both

and stood

and considered them

at once.

at left,

me at seven, you at four

in my likeness

or rather, that of our father:

squinty-eyed from smiling,

a joyful thing.

inside of your chubby cheeks

was where you stored your cuteness,

and i in my bow and velvet

and you in your bow and suit

were a happy sight.

at right,

me at sixteen, you at lucky thirteen

and we're different

and we're the same.

our features have all evolved

but at closer look,

i in red and bangs,

you in black and shaved head,

we have not grown out of

that age of innocence

where we were too young for labels,

too young to make decisions,

too young to be separated.

my own cheeks possessed no cuteness the other night,

only two distinct trails of tears

that i hadn't felt coming on --

they were just there

and flowing

and flowing.

i left our pretty portraits

to never betray the memories they induced

and went instead

to beckoning bathroom

that had always been comfort

to sleepless nights,

to unabashed sickness,

to moments like this

when the rug had been pulled viciously from under me

but instead of going off like a fine magician's trick

everything came crashing down.

i could feel the portraits shredding

where our hands were interlinked,

split down the middle cruelly

and i wanted you there with me

so that you would link hands with me

in the flesh

and somehow maybe glue it all back together.

our picture could no longer be portrayed

as perfect.

and i tried to cease the fault lines

in both frames

but they

ripped

anyway.

05.2010